Cassie's Cuddles

It already seems like a bad dream, going off to Wangaratta hospital while we stayed in Bright for our annual holiday. I was loosing my baby, and experiencing labour for the first time in my life. Yes, I have had five babies, but no labour. Stephanie was 2 weeks over due, and after not responding to being induced, they had to do an emergecy because of fetal distress. The next four were planned caesars due to other reasons the Drs saw fit.

After lots of prodding, internal ultrasounds etc, it was confirmed, my baby had died. 14 weeks. They believe that the baby might have been dead for a couple of weeks. I was sent home after 8 hours with some strong painkillers. The labour pains grew stronger until I lay on the bed, in the most pain I have ever had. I begged Jared not to take me to another hospital, he said, you are going….The Bright hospital, was great. I actually got a maternal nurse in emergency, she knew what to do. Lots of painkillers, and me going a little looney on some morphine, I eventually went back to our holiday place. I had my baby at home, a tiny little baby, all in one piece. I was thankful to see this precious little one, although it was very daunting and overwhelmingly sad. I put him/her in a box, and in the morning we took her/him to the hospital. I probably should have brought him/her home, already regrets…..

Already I am hearing that God has nothing to do with this, that it is just nature, perhaps the child was disabled? I want to block my ears, I don’t believe that!  Man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. I have hope because I know God is in control, and that He will use this for our good. How?, I don’t know, but I trust Him. Am I being punished? I don’t know, perhaps..I recall the book of Job, and although I am reserved to call myself a righteous person apart from Christ, I can say his prayer..

20 Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped.21 And he said:

22 In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.

I want to be like Job, and not charge God with wrong, not to be bitter, not to falter, but to cling to Him as I have never done before. Now I have a choice, do I wallow, or do I cry to Him to say “Please don’t let me go” Yes, I cling to Him, but in fact, He has me in his hands like Psalm 91:4

He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. Now I will cry, and suffer physically for a time, but I will trust.